Felt a bit ‘meh’ yesterday. Realised too late that I was probably in the prodromal phase of a shitty migraine. Went to bed early. Today, I feel washed out, but better.
I have been reviewing all my posts since I joined as part of my process of taking stock of lessons learned. I won’t bore you with details, but the first 8 days were notably different compared to the last 8 days. It’s clear that I was incredibly vulnerable and shaky early on. It felt like any tiny thing could knock me off my path. I was only ever one or two thoughts or bad decisions away from a drink. Now I feel much more stable and that it would take much more to knock me off the path. I felt every minute and hour of those first few days.
I hope this shift is evidence that one day I will just be able to put this to the back of my mind. Not drinking will become a thing I do, not THE thing I do. I am tired of thinking about drinking. And thinking about not drinking. But I accept that ‘not drinking’ must be at the front and centre of my mind for the foreseeable future.
I had my writing group this evening – we are nearing the end of the course. People are starting to make plans for end-of-course drinks. It is taken for granted that this will be in a pub and will involve alcohol. I am already starting to feel anxious about it. I’m starting to notice how excluding and exclusionary British drinking culture is. I felt a shift in the classroom from the moment that drinks were mentioned. We are an ethnically and religiously diverse group, and it’s likely that many don’t drink for a variety of reasons. The default assumption that our end of course celebration will involve alcohol has created an unarticulated division between those who do and don’t drink. The voices of the drinkers and loud and dominate the planning. The non-drinkers acquiesce, relinquishing any claim on how the event should be. I’m guessing some non-drinkers will go to any event and not be bothered, but I can now see others starting to withdraw from the group. I feel it too. I want to be part of the event. I want that opportunity to cut loose and get to know people a little better, to hear about their experience of the last ten weeks and share my own. To gossip and laugh and share perspectives on our shared journey. This can be achieved without drinking. However, I am fearful that doing so in a pub will overwhelm my will not to drink. Experience tells me I am likely to hit the fuck-it button in such situations, and it would be wise for me not to go. It feels like I must choose between being part of the group or being sober. And this feels like a shitty choice. I understand the world doesn’t revolve around supporting my tortured relationship with alcohol. However, it also occurs to me that I would not have to choose if our culture were not so alcocentric. There are many ways an end-of-course celebration could be organised in which alcohol does not play a central role. It does not even occur to us to even think about what that could be. And if it does occur to some of us, it would feel dangerous to say it out loud. It would likely be met with derision, incomprehension or horror. Drinking dominates so much of our social lives – no wonder it is so hard to stop.
Anyhow, I’ve started the process of managing the situation early. The moment that drinks were mentioned I told people that I am not drinking at the moment. I notice that I do not say that ‘I don’t drink,’ probably because I don’t yet believe this about myself. It feels like I am in a transitional phase – I’m trying not to drink, but I don’t want to be sober. I hate that word – at least for me. But more about that another time.
I had an interesting experience at golf yesterday. During the 15th hole, a gal broke out the beers, and it was a bit awkward because two of the four of us didn’t know that I don’t drink. One friend, who was aware of my situation, said, “I have non-alcoholic beer; I’ll bring some next time.” The other friend, whom I had told about my decision not to drink since May, responded with, “Good for you!” I suspect she only drinks because of the alcohol-centric culture we live in.
I managed to get through it, and we even went to happy hour where I had a non-alcoholic drink. Perhaps you could have suggested having the gathering at a park or courtyard where everyone brings something. But I understand that a pub is much easier, but it's great that you recognized how alcohol-centric culture can feel exclusionary. I recently listened to a podcast featuring Mel Robbins and Todd Rose discussing Collective Illusion, which I think you might find interesting.
I hosted a party once for 150 people, debuting a bunch of my new artwork that had just gone on exhibit. It was to be 6-10pm on a Friday. Prime drinking hours. Because I don't drink, I planned to offer exclusively NA options, including a signature mocktail.
A few days before the event, my best friend pushed back on my plans. "You need to have beer," she said. "And wine. People are going to expect it." I resisted, explaining that I was designing the experience in my own style. She insisted, though, and I didn't want to dismiss her wisdom. She cares about me. I trust her judgment quite deeply.
The night of, she showed up with two cases of beer. We stuck them in the venue's service fridge.
The event ended up being a huge hit, and nobody went for the beer (or opened the three bottles of wine someone else brought). The cases sat in the fridge as people drank Phrantinis (seltzer + pineapple juice) and Sanbitters (Italian soda ftw!).
Though it may require a little creativity to overcome the marketing might of boozedom, I'm here to say a fab alcohol-free world is possible.