Week One

The first week of not drinking is like playing Super Mario Kart: Booze Edition. Winning involves anticipating and avoiding all the triggers for hitting the "fuck-it" button!

Day 1

I am on Day One - again!

I attempted Dry January but somehow ended up drinking even more heavily by the end of it.

Today has been grim - physically and psychologically. And I’m simply tired of feeling like this - going round and round and round on the alcohol rollercoaster.

Day 2

I really am so thankful to be waking up without the hangxiety and associated guilt and shame. At my desk at 6 a.m. to compensate for the hours lost to hangover yesterday. I really need to do something about my boom-and-bust approach to life, as I am sure that is part of my problem. I woke up to an invitation to go out for dinner tonight. I probably shouldn’t go as there are likely to be strong triggers to drink. But I’ve already given up so much life due to booze that I don’t want not drinking to be a long slow misery fest. It’s with people that I am happy to be around without drink. So, I will decide nearer the time. Perhaps it would be better to hunker down at home with the entire Co-Op sweet aisle. Not drinking must be the number one goal.

Day 3

I reached Day 3! I had the most amazing sleep last night. I slept right through the night - which is something that rarely happens with or without booze! At my desk, ready to work. Was hoping to send a picture of a lovely sunrise but it’s still pitch black. I have hardly any meetings until late this afternoon. I can get shit done and go for a long swim at lunchtime.

I feel good. I’m guessing this is the Pink Cloud people talk about. I need to mentally bottle this feeling and take a deep slug whenever the urge to drink arises.

Had some challenges at work yesterday, which have left me on edge. I recognise this as a trigger, but I will not drink. I will have to find another way to manage these emotions. I shall start by investing in the thought that I can’t afford to let other people’s behaviour to dictate my emotional state!

Off to go out for my stupid walk for my stupid mental health.

Day 4

It feels longer than four days since my last drink - but not in a bad way. I continue to sleep like a baby – it’s glorious. However, my dreams are so vivid. And grandiose! Last night I accompanied the Obama’s and their kids to Barak’s presidential inauguration ceremony! I choose not to search for the hidden meaning behind that!

Tonight is Friday. It was a real challenge not to drink. I was at art college, which was good for the soul. However, the studio is in town, amongst all my favourite drinking haunts.

Negotiating my way to a sober Friday was like playing Super Mario Kart! I dodged the invitation to go for after-course drinks by saying I was going swimming. I was not – it was a white lie! I deliberately did not look at WhatsApp to limit FOMO, and exposure to any form of temptation. I took a different route to the train station, avoiding all the pubs where I have stopped off for a cheeky pint. It didn’t particularly want to drink, but I had to be honest with myself and accept that walking past a pub would trigger a sharp pang of “Fuck it. Is this worth it?”

“Fuck it. Is this worth it?” is not thought I can afford to have. Only that’s not quite accurate – I had the thought many times this evening. I played the scenario of dropping out of the group and stopping off at a pub and countless times. The voice was loud. No-one will notice if I disappear from the group. And things aren’t really that bad.

This was the internal battle I had with myself all the way home. Halfway to the tube I spotted a Pret and called in to get a coffee and take stock of what was going on. I told myself that I could drink if I wanted to – no one could stop me, but I would commit first to having a coffee and something sweet to eat. A Pret Love Bar, perhaps. Drinking my black Americano (could this be any more clichéd), I reflected that most ‘normal’ people don’t experience this kind of mental Battle Royale at the prospect of not drinking on a Friday night. I reminded myself that if I caved in today, it will be easier to cave again, and again, and again. A line needs to be drawn somewhere and sometime. I reminded myself that all I had to do was not drink for the rest of the evening, and the bliss of having a hangover free Saturday!

I also know that without having a group to be accountable to, I would be in the pub with a pint right now, and not writing this.

Or perhaps it was the Pret Love Bar. Perhaps it should be renamed the Pret Self-Love Bar!

Day 5

It’s Day 5, although it’s so early it might as well be Day 4. Woke up at 3 with many of the same physical feelings as a hangover, but not hungover, and without the desperate guilt or thirst. No grabbing desperately for the stale bedside water today!

After a joyless half hour trying to get back to sleep, I accepted it was not happening and got up to get shit done. I took some pictures of the hellebores in my garden. It’s my favourite plant, for many reasons, but mainly because it flowers, thrives and brings joy in those harsh times when other plants are dormant. The hellebore’s historical connections to poison and purge feel relevant to my journey.

I will have a righteous nap later today, safe knowing that I made it to Saturday and wrapped in the intention to make it to a sober Sunday!

Day 6

Slept ok. Boiler packed up - no heating. Feeling a bit meh, but for no particular reason. Possibly a bit disappointed in myself for not achieving the ridiculous and unrealistic goals I set myself yesterday. I have a tendency for boom-and-bust, which I think is at the heart of the way I use alcohol.

Panicked when my partner told me they had arranged to go to a friend’s house for lunch. I didn’t want to go because it was a trigger. But I put some boundaries round it to make it safe. I booked a film ticket for later that afternoon at a cinema nowhere near a pub and that I have to drive to. So I have a socially acceptable “reason” not to drink if offered .

It seems I am playing Super Mario Kart: Booze Edition again! I have no desire to drink - but that can flip in an instant. I need to keep looking ahead to anticipate potential trigger points and put in strategies to deal with them.

Day 7

Waking up to Day 7 straight from being JR’s doctor in an episode of Dallas - my dreams continue to be wild. First time I have been here in a couple of months (day 7, not Dallas, I’ve never been to Dallas!) and it feels good. I woke up in the middle of the night with proper boozy night sweats. Is it possible that I am still physically withdrawing?! Was very irritable and slightly manic yesterday. I went round to a friend’s place for lunch and the wine came out. The plan worked - I did not even want to drink as I had other and better things to do. The smell of it on other people faintly nauseated me, and the impact it had on my partner slightly irritated me. I’m choosing to not think about all the times I have been similarly irritating.

Today I have a writing course and it’s my habit to go to the pub and reflect on what I have learned with a pint. So, this is a big trigger point for me. I will find a really nice coffee place with really expensive cakes and good sofas instead. Did this quick drawing on my iPad - not sure what it means: old me versus new me separating? Noticing that the “new” booze free me is unformed and out of focus at the moment!

Update

Ok. I made it to a coffee and donut shop after my writing course! Not a pub. I had a coconut and Pandan donut! Definitely tastier than any pint. The only thing that would be better is the addition of some crisps - I’ll get them on the way home!