Day 37
I’m writing this after spending the day in my old office. From my desk I could see directly into the pub garden where I have done much of my after-work drinking. The pull was strong. I found myself squinting through the window to see if anyone I knew was there. I had niggly voices singing the “f@ck it” song all the way from the top floor of the office to the tube. The Booze Bitch brought her friends to the party tonight – a chorus of pissed up lasses singing karaoke on a hen do.
“You’ve done nearly 40 days! Isn’t that enough?”
“Why are you making your life more difficult than it needs to be.”
“You’ve worked hard today, why not treat yourself to a nice cold beer?”
I think that without the accountability of the small group and a target of getting to another 30 days, I would be in the pub right now. Probably doing karaoke with my chorus of Booze Bitches. It would not have been pretty, but admittedly it might have been fun!
Until it wasn’t.
Day 39
Last night my sleep was destroyed by a series of work-related panic attacks. This used to be a near nightly occurrence when drinking. Eventually I gave up trying to sleep at about 4 am and got with my day. Although unpleasant, these panic episodes are much more bearable when my body is not trying to expel poison from its system. My anxiety levels are very high - but I am realising this is normal for me! I’m also fully appreciating Laura McKowens phrase that drinking to cope with anxiety is like throwing gasoline on an open fire. Not drinking has not reduced my anxiety so far, but it has made it easier to cope with. At least now I can get up and get sh!t done instead of rotting in bed with a hangover and wishing the world would just go away!
My son locked himself out of his flat today. God knows how, and all will be revealed in due course. It was nice to reflect that I could have driven him back to his flat if needed because I hadn’t had a drink. Went to the pub for dinner because I just did not want to cook. Had two small AF beers in a pint glass. It tasted so good - and it didn’t even cross my mind to want an alcoholic drink. I do wish pubs would serve a better range though - I do love the bitter taste of beer. I genuinely think it’s that I miss, not the ethanol.
Day 40
This is the longest I have ever gone without a drink. And a nice round number! I‘m lucky enough to have been given tickets to see Tori Amos in London tonight. It was a last minute gift and unexpected She has been a favourite of mine for a long time and it’s been an ambition to see her live.
It will be my first “gig” sober, and I am a bit nervous about it. I feel like I have not had enough mental space to prepare myself for going out to this kind of event without a drink. Although what’s there to be fearful about - it’s not exactly going be a mosh pit! Another milestone, I suppose.
I sometimes feel a little weary of all the effort it takes to not drink. The decision not to drink sometimes throws a shroud over experiences that should feel joyful. It adds complexity to things that would feel spontaneous and fun if I were drinking. I can see why most people return to drinking.
But, here is the thing. If trying not to drink is exhausting, your relationship with alcohol is likely to be problematic. The fact that giving up alcohol is hard is the reason you have to do it. The difficulty is all the diagnosis you need to know that there is a problem! It reminds me of one of those motivational phrases:
If you do what is easy, your life will be hard.
If you do what is hard, your life will be easy.
This could not be more true of the experience of drinking, and not drinking.