Day 29

Who knew it was possible to burn out from self-improvement?

I’ve been struggling these last two days. I feel very flat and just plain meh. It’s difficult to pinpoint why. I reached my first goal of a month (note that I picked February - the shortest month!), and I am proud of myself for achieving that. I intended to sit down and write some reflections on what I have learned from the experience - but I just don’t seem to want to do this. Perhaps it’s because there are no Beef Hula Hoops in the shops – I haven’t been able to find any anywhere. Apparently, there is a National Crisp Crisis because of a disrupted supply chain for frying oil. This national crisis is in danger of becoming a personal tragedy. I’ve come to rely on my daily walk with coffee and a bag of Hula Hoops to process things. Without my trusty hoops, my sober powers are depleted.

My brain seems to be rebelling. I just want a pint. Although on closer inspection it feels like I want the pint more than the alcohol. I think “the pint” represents the ability to relax and let go. The after-work pint has been my number one method of coping for so long. I do know how relax with other methods - I’ve had more baths than Mr BathTime from Planet BubbleBath. But I’m still restless and over tired. I feel like a toddler that has not had its afternoon nap.

There’s a bit of Fading Affect Bias in here too. Was it really that bad (yes it was)? Was I as bad as some of the others on here (yes to some, no to others, but comparisons are not relevent!)? Who would know if I only had one (I would know, and that’s the only truth that really matters!)?

None of these thoughts are dominant, but they are present, like weeds in my path.

I think the T is dominant in my HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). I have been pushing myself very hard.

I’m working full time hours, whilst doing a 2 day a week art course, and a day a week writing course. Plus a 3 hour a week meditation course! I’m trying to fit an eight and half day work week into seven days. It’s only when writing this right now that I realise how ridiculous this is! I’ve also doubled my hours in the gym - so my body is really, really sore from DOMS. Hopefully that will pass as I get fitter). It’s great that I have the energy to work so hard. But hard is still hard even if you are doing things that are good for you, and the mind/body will out.

Who knew it was possible to burn out from self improvement?!

Well, almost any of my friends if I had asked them. It was almost inevitable that I would take the wrecking ball approach to sobriety, as that is entirely consistent with personality. And possibly one the reasons for drinking so much in the first place!

So, this is why I needed a small group challenge! If I hadn’t signed up for increased accountability, I would have a pint in my hand right now. I’m glad I don’t. But at the same time I don’t think there’s enough scented bath salts in the world to soothe this bitch of an itch. I’m going to have to just sit with the discomfort, - it’s just an itch, nothing serious. But it better be f@cking gone tomorrow!

I’m going to buy a box of Beef Hula Hoops from Amazon. And to order a takeout. I shouldn’t be washing up with my T in ascendency! It will break me.

Post Scripts: Insights from Professional and Scientific Literature

Fading Affect Bias (FAB) is the psychological tendency for negative aspects of an experience to be forgotten more quickly than positive aspects. The concept of FAB is widely talked about within alcohol free communities. It is used to explain why people who repeatedly experience negative effects of their drinking (brutal hangovers, arguements, injury, fights) carry on drinking. The theory is that because the negative aspects of a drinking session fade from memory more quickly than the positive events, people expect that having the next drink will be positive.

FAB is believed to be a coping mechanism that helps keep a person’s overall mood positive. It is believed that holding onto memories that have a negative emotional association is burdensome for the mind and the body. Fading Affect Bias is hypothesised to have evolved as a mechanism to help maintain a positive mindset.

Despite the ubiquity with which FAB is talked about in the alcohol free community, there have been remarkably few research studies of the phenomenon applied directly to alcohol. In fact, I can only find one small empirical study of FAB applied to alcohol, and this is in a population of individuals without serious alcohol problems (Gibbons et al., 2013).

Many, many people find the concept of Fading Affect Bias helpful. And if it helps, then let’s celebrate it and use it! However, it’s an interesting example of a psychological concept that has achieved the status of ‘fact’ within the alcohol free community despite there being very little direct empirical evidence. Given its influence, I think this concept is probably due some rigorous scientific attention. Perhaps FAB is a good topic to explore in Control Issues!

References

Gibbons, J. A., Toscano, A., Kofron, S., Rothwell, C., Lee, S. A., Ritchie, T. D., & Walker, W. R. (2013). The fading affect bias across alcohol consumption frequency for alcohol-related and non-alcohol-related events. Consciousness and Cognition, 22(4), 1340-1351.