Day 21
Heavy drinking is like playing Russian Roulette with your mental health...
AM
Three weeks. Three weekends. Very happy with this.
This week I start an eight-week meditation course on Wednesday evenings. It’s online. Many years ago (BC; Before Children, and BM; Before Mindfulness was a thing) I did a lot of meditation and completed my teacher training in mindfulness meditation. Meditation and alcohol don’t mix. I did not drink during my teacher training, although there was one time during a silent retreat when I was so desperate for a pint that I nearly scaled the walls of the convent to go to the local Wetherspoons. I didn’t, but the debate with myself was long and hard! Less Namastay and get mindful, more Namas-go-and-get-pissed!
Despite the clear and obvious benefits to meditating regularly, I fell out with the practice as my drinking ramped up. Meditating with a hangover is a very unpleasant experience. The immediate comfort of alcohol was a much easier way to deal with my problems at that time than the sometimes hard and harsh reality of the meditation cushion.
But I think it’s time to try and reconnect with the practice. It’s been clear for some time that, even beyond drinking, I need better strategies to respond to my chattering mind, focus my attention, and help me make better decisions. I’m looking forward to starting again, but also not!
It’s my writing course this afternoon. The last time I went was just under a week after I had stopped drinking. I was so scared that I was going to drink. Really scared. I went for coffee and a donut instead. I don’t have this fear anymore, but I will have another donut! Maybe two!
PM
Spotify must have been spying on me during my walk back from writing group tonight. It kept playing songs about addiction and recovery. This song - “Wish That I Was Sober” is one of my favourites. It contains the best verse about the dialectic between that first drink and later regret…
“Choke down the gateway drug
Opened the gates, in came the flood, it comes
Like a blush of love, it hits me without warning
Long nights of getting lost
I walk beneath the bridge I don't know
I need black suit for tomorrow, I'm in mourning
My love you should know
The best of me left hours ago…”
This was a song I would listen to when pissed. I would be consumed by the sad beauty and emotion of the music. In that moment it validated my drunken state, elevating it to tragic majesty. I wasn’t just a drunk, I was a wounded soul. Bruised and damaged by life and drinking to make it all bearable. I would often crawl into bed after a night of pissed listening, making idle commitments to never be drunk again.
The creator of this song, Scott Hutchinson, the lead singer and songwriter of the band Frightened Rabbit, took his own life in 2018. A tragic loss for his family and everyone touched by his life and music. It’s clear that drinking and mental health issues were contributing factors to his tragic death.
Using alcohol to deal with your emotions is like playing Russian Roulette with your mental health. I’ve been playing this game for a long time. Looking back, it’s a stupid thing to have done. I am lucky to have many other tools to deal with my difficulties. Somewhere along the way I put my toolkit in the back of a cupboard, forgot about it, and started using alcohol to solve every problem. Time to go find the toolkit.
Links and resources for this post
Videos for the song can be found below. It’s worth listening/watching to both as they convey different aspects of the song. They may generate strong emotions. Please take care when watching and there are some links below if needed…
Acoustic version of Scott performing the song alone…
Official band video for the song…
If you need to speak to someone urgently about your mental health…
In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international suicide helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
If you want to know more about alcohol and mental health…
Alcohol is involved in one third of all deaths by suicide. Preventing such deaths is one of the reasons I wrote my book and started writing publicly about my experience of alcohol dependence. Many people who drink heavily are struggling with mental health problems and do not understand how alcohol may be making things worse. Do I Drink Too Much? contains a comprehensive explanation of how heavy drinking contributes to the development of depression, anxiety and other mental health problems.
More about Scott Hutchison and his legacy…
An article about the impact of Scott’s death on his band mates, and how they chose to honour his memory.
Tiny Changes - the charity that Scott’s family set up to honour his life and contributions.