Day 11
A trip to Paris presents the first major challenge to my decision to not drink...
Ok. This is going to be a real challenge. I’m off to Paris for 5 nights. Land of Vin Rouge! I’m very excited - got lots of gallery visits planned, and going with two different groups of friends. But I don’t know if I am going to make it to the end without drinking. I feel exposed and I’m away from my safe little hobbit hole. And I don’t think they sell HulaHoops in France.
Alcohol does not feel off the menu - not because I don’t intend to abstain - but I feel so much conflict and anxiety about doing so, and I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to feel like I am going to spend the entire time thinking about not drinking. I’m scared I’m going to hit the “fuck it” button in order to resolve the stress of trying to not drink.
I know the relief if I drink will be temporary. I know if I do drink I will have do the “hard bit” of the first few days again. I know that I will have shit sleep and feel rubbish the next day. And shit sleep in a hotel is the shittiest of all shitty sleeps. I know I will be disappointed in myself. But hey, I’m a past master at rationalising this away! I know I will have to fess up to this group. I know that if I believe in, and want the benefits that come from giving up drinking, then I have to sit with and find a way to resolve this temporary discomfort. I know it’s not normal to be nearly reduced to tears about the thought not having a drink! And I know that I don’t want to be that guy who is controlled by a substance.
I’m writing this on the Eurostar and the young couple in front of me have been on the Prosecco from 9 am! I’m not actually jealous of this (nor judging) - morning drinking not my thing. But it is interesting to hear them talk about how hungover they are and how the booze is taking the edge off. They are drinking to cope with the consequences of the previous nights drinking. All that glitters is not gold!
I haven’t told anyone I am not drinking. I don’t want the pitying looks, or them to feel responsible for whether or not I drink. This is probably a mistake.
I also paid to stay in a hotel rather than join in the communal Airbnb. This allows me to control my environment more and gives me a greater chance of success! If I drink I will be pissed off that I paid for nothing!
It’s probably too early to do this kind of trip. But I’m not going to sit shivering in my living room like a petrified monkey until my mindset shifts. If I fail, so be it. It’s all data, and I will commit to learning the lessons if I do. However, even writing this raises a red flag. How many times have I allowed myself to fail using a promise to learn the lesson? This has a whiff of anticipatory self-deception about it. Like Polonious’ quote from Hamlet: “With devotion's visage, and pious action, / We do sugar o'er the devil himself.”
Anxiety generated by an attempt to not drink is a real thing. Why don’t we have a name for it? Soberxiety? Quitxiety? No, those won’t do at all! What about Quitters Jitters?! Regardless, I am not going to drink today. I’m working at the edge of what is possible for me. Tomorrow can sort itself out!
Photo by Sebastien Gabriel on Unsplash